What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 25.06.2025 00:08
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
This is soul school!.
Who then, do I blame.?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Comes on , in middle age.
We all went to grammer schools
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why are men so attracted to big breasts?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
What did your best friend do that ended your friendship?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She married twice! .
What should I do to get over a relationship?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And i lived it daily.
Ive learnt so much.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We were not on the streets..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I will be 64.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I waited trembling.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The only rule us 5 kids had .
So whats the point in blame.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As i do to all so called friends.?
But, we were locked up after school.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I said to her
I don,t even have a pension.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
So, i spoilt her more .
Im still living with it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Put me off passion for life!!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
One cannot live in the past .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She wouldn,t have been !
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
All the time i was locked up.
When she asked me how she looked .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I have no regrets .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Why did i forgive my father ?
But it wasn’t much.
It was going to be , some day.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But ive been too sick for many years..
My family never makes their pension either.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I think the readers, may guess!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was seconnd youngest,
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was scared of men, in general
What did i know ?
I was 9 years of age.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She was in good health!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I write beautiful poetry .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My life is so biszare .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was very sick at this time too.
He knew the spot.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She found it foreign!.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She loved him until the end.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Would this be the day?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!